The Bitch Witch
Bow Down and Ask
The Almighty Bitch Queen of the Universe
getting enough abuse in your life?
Mean, sarcastic, and nasty, she will answer your emails if and when she damn well pleases.
Charge of the Beeotch - Hear now the words of the Ultimate Bitch!
a question to Her Majesty that amuses her enough to post,
YES! I am too lazy to look up a simple answer on my own. I have a stupid and inane question for the
Almighty Bitch Witch!! Click here to send her your question...if you dare
Tis I who have come to challenge the seat of the Bitchwitch, i challenge you to a duel of bitchiness. Should you choose to accept, the terms and conditions will be mutually agreed upon at some further date according to MY calendar.. not yours. on and by the way dearie, please pull your head out of your own arse, it's not good for your posture :-P -The New Bitch In Town
now dont knock this its a really important question,
my mother in law is one hell of a poisonous dwarf !!!! tell me how to
reduce her to a shrivveling bag of puss , so that she will go away and stop coming
round my house
thankyou expert bitch highness , await negative and nasty response
are two ways to handle this. One, get into her head, find out what her
weaknesses are and slap her in the face with them, or two, get a divorce
and marry someone who's parents are dead. Let me know how that turns out
HI; I WANT TO PERFORM A WICISM FOR MY CHILDREN I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID OR DONE DOING THIS RITUAL...THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN BAPTISED I WOULD LIKE TO DO THIS FOR THEM...ALSO CAN YOU SEND ME A LIST OF ALL THE WICCAN HOLIDAYS...
PS: I'VE BEEN A PRACTICING WITCH FOR 7 YRS AND MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS A WITCH TOO BUT SHE DIED BEFORE SHE COULD TEACH ME ANYTHING ABOUT WICA
been practicing for 7 years and you don't even know what the holy days
are? Stop practicing and just give it up. You are a freaking idiot.
Gramma probably died of shame. And on top of it all, you bred??? HEY YOU,
OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!! 'Nuff said.
7-8-02 (Yes. These posts are not in any particular order. Got a problem with that? Too bad.)
Subject: A Most Unworthy Query
Most High, Holy, and Supremely Lovely Bitchiness, How do you deal with
all the teenyboppers out there who have gleaned the majority of their knowledge
of Wicca from Hollywood? I tried to explain nicely that they're attempting
to follow a fantasy version of witchcraft, and no, we really can't stop
time like Piper Halliwell. I was then informed on more than one occasion
that I was just "pretending to be a Wiccan". So then I tried the bitch
route of laughing mockingly and telling them to stick to playing D&D.
That worked except for one girl insisting that she's "gonna curse me good"(sure...I'm
shaking in my boots, honey...)and another bursting in tears which made
me feel a bit guilty. I think I may be too nice to follow the route of
the True Bitch, unfortunately. Is there any way to handle this tactfully
and with as little melodrama as possible or am I stuck?
Well I'm not going to give ya too many places to go with this one though I'm sure you will I just want to ask if these questions are for real or not? I mean can people really be so dumb? If so I give you credit for being able to laugh such people off.
Hail to Thee O' Omnipotent BitchWitch; (in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of the stupid):
once was a Bitch of the Witches.
I've forgotten and I can't get up!)
had the whole office in stitches,
I have been reading your previous "mail" and find most of it appalling! Now I finally see why people laugh and point fingers (often the middle) at those of us who admit to being Witches. Those people are out there claiming to be the same! For Goddess' Sake. Just shoot me, now!!! What a bunch of total ignoramuses-yeah, yeah, it's probably spelled wrong, but it's also not a real word, so bite ME.
I am certain I am no match for you (sucking up,now,so please listen closely!), but Lord and Lady know, I strive daily, to follow your exalted example, and am known as the official Office Bitch! I'm a nurse, and if there's caterwalling kids in the waiting room, I'll go out to shut them down, if there's a senile ooolllddd person calling every 15 minutes with the same blessed question-they give the next call to me, and I handle ALL the pre-certs and pre-auths with those imbecilic insurance companies because I won't give up and let them slide off the hook, I make them do their OWN work-they get paid a lot more than I'll ever get!!! As for the docs, they don't mess with me anymore. But they DO know that if a task is given to the Office Bitch, it gets DONE, and DONE RIGHT, even if parts of it are delegated-I'm also a Bitch Assistant Head Nurse, as a supervisor, I won't listen to whiners,cry babies, or adult temper tantrums from those with god-complexes...they learn quickly that they don't measure up to god-status, and I'm in touch with REAL GODS/ESSES on a daily basis.
So, for what it's worth, that's what I think of your "supplicants", and that's who I am in terms of bitchiness...go ahead and answer, if you damn well please...but know this - I shall strive to live up to your example!!! (more sucking up, in case you fell asleep, didn't want you to miss any!)
Be, Sister Bitch!
be thy enema that thou might irritate the assholes
Stop trying to suckup. You're terrible at it.
Hail to her most lovely and exalted bitchiness.
been a devotee of Wicca for many years. And like you I am a natural bitch.
if you'll excuse me, I must go deal with more morons.
For some serious book-learning on Wicca, read Deepening Witchcraft
by Grey Cat,
dear your most highly esteemed and nastiest bitchiness
i was wondering, can i put you on my buddy list. you are my idol when it
comes to being a bitch. i hope that one day ill be as good a nasty bitch
as you are. from your biggest ass kissing fan. but that hope is just that
hope. no one will ever be a bigger bitch than you.
seem to be a bit delusional today - you seem to think I care about
P.S.: Have you heard about capitalization? It's quite trendy.
Subject: An epistle of love from two adoring acolytes to the BITCHWITCH
Most High and Holy BitchWitch! She who is a Ray of Light (indeed, the Goddess'
Mag-Lite!) into the Abysmal Pit which is the daily existence for all her
enlightened followers! It is here that we, two lowly disciples in the barren
cultural wasteland known as "Indiana", do offer praise and thanksgiving
to Thee. Oh, Most Sublime One, we bow before you, heads low and fingers
extended (taking care not to snag the carpet), and offer ourselves with
complete humility so that we may also ascend to the exalted mountain upon
which you dwell.
...or in simpler, less flowery terms: WOO-HOO! WHAT A GREAT COLUMN! KEEP IT UP! :)
Most Faithful Devotion,
Note to all would be brown-nosing suckups:
have been outdone, overcome, overpowered, beat down, crushed and vanquished
by these two unbelievably eloquent devotees of bitchiness. While I'm out
getting a t-shirt made with "Goddess' Mag-Lite" on it (extra large so I
can fit my ego in it), please go practice your ass kissing abilities on
your local pagan clergy. In my not so humble opinion, they truly deserve
it for all they do for the community they serve. Go to them with a humble
heart and willing hands. Take out the garbage, do the dishes, cut the grass.
Use your abilities to help in any way you can. Only then can you proudly
join the ranks with those of us who make it our sacred duty to ridicule
and educate the ignorant and the fainéant. Earn your place with
us and be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.
ps- Anyone who objects to my use of this column to climb on my soapbox and deliver my rant of the day can bite me!
Most honored BitchWitch,
Your letter's of response have been most informative and have touched the core of my own bitchiness. I hope to one day achieve the status that you have. My question is; why, when someone finds out that I am a witch, there first question must always be, DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN!!? Have we not pressed our case often enough that the most thickheaded members of society would get it? Or is it life's eternal quest to piss me off?
-Your adoring disciple
Hail, Divine and Mighty BitchWitch!
I have no questions which are of great enough import to bring to you, for I am but a lowly aspiring bitch, and my thoughts and complaints must be of great insignificance to one of your might. I just wished to show my reverence for your amazing bitchiness.
Bright Blessings and salutations Oh most Bitchy of us all!!
I too have often have been referred to as "tactfully challenged" and unlike
most do not see the need to change. would you give me some advice as to
handle the more stupid people I deal with every day so as not to end up
in an altercation every time I open my mouth, With a black belt in karate
it isn't much of a challenge to deal with the minions of stupid....but
the fighting is so goddessawfull undignified...
My Dear Terry,
I find your manners impeccable and your spelling a refreshing change from the usual dunderheads that write.
what you are going through. The best advise I can give you is to encourage
these stupid people in their endeavors. Truth be told, we are terribly
outnumbered. There are so many laws out there to protect stupid people
and face it, danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people from the
planet. Such safety, however well-intentioned it may be, is devolving
us into half-witted mutants. Idiots, who by all rights should be
dead, are spared from their rightfully early graves and are free to breed
even more imbeciles. Let's do away with safety and improve our species.
So encourage them to jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after
a big meal. Play chicken with a train. Throw bricks straight up. Shove
that fork right in the toaster. Stick something small in their ear. Encourage
them to take their choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future
generations will thank you.
you hear about the guy back in '97 who was crushed to death by a Coke machine
when he tried to tip it forward to get a free drink? One down, 5.6 billion
I want a boy that I really like to fall in love with me. How do I?
( I'm 19 and need your help)
Dear bitch witch, you seem like a bitch, so far we r even...
I am for real, not many people will mess with me( not a threat )
I wana know three things:
1. y don't you answer people propaly ( they might have a real problem u know )?
2. do u know haow i can over come my fear's of spirits?
3. are you a real witch?
Just another BITCH*
To Your Most Majestic Nasty Witchy Little Bitchy type Queen Person:
Is this a good time to ask if I really do spells sky-clad in the town park I will have all my prayers answered and Mr. Right will appear before me????????
Nobody Wants To See Me Naked,
In my family we have been known for powers like :reading peoples life ,taking the fire out if your burnt,stoping a persons bleeding. yeah i know crazy ,but real (no joke) somhow it stoped getting passed on and the ritual was forgotten all the words I need help do you know where i might find anything like the words or ritual? anything would help
I've got some new stones and a few incenses, what are some of the trasditional uses of
each..they are the following:
stones: jasper tigers eye blood stone amethyst clear quartz hematite
essential oils: china rain frankincense woodland mist jasmine sandlewood
know of some spells and such but i mean uses like power, strength,
what are the three different types of soul mates? I heard there are 3 instead of just one.
-wanna know about them
can you send me a spell for a real flying broom/ if you dont yer a fake
I dont wanna whine but... why won't anyone give me a love spell over the internet. I mean, like, a
Priestess is not supposed to refuse my request in a chat room for a spell, is she???
-Need Love Spell
Your Wonderful and High Bitchiness;
How can I find a teacher.
-lost and wandering
DEAR BITCHWITCH; I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WICCAK STUFF AND WANNA BE A
WITCH TO TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT IT
-GOTTA KNOW NOWW
better things to do than fulfilling your needs.... like regrouting my bathtub.
Try reading a book or two, you lazyass.
Hello. I'm lloking for Fir a Magickal ring, something that gives Powers.
Where can I get it?
I'll apprecuate your help, till then
to have an extra, just send me all your money and I'll drop it in the mail
to ya, brighteyes.
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this page last updated 11-13-03