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The Bitch Witch

Bow Down and Ask
The Almighty Bitch Queen of the Universe

Not getting enough abuse in your life?
Can't find the answer even though it's smacking you in the head?
Need to be brought down a notch or two?
Then here SHE is....the ultimate High Priestess of Bitchcraft

Mean, sarcastic, and nasty, she will answer your emails if and when she damn well pleases.

Charge of the Beeotch - Hear now the words of the Ultimate Bitch!

Send a question to Her Majesty that amuses her enough to post,
and win a chance at a really cool prize from The Blessed Bee.
Got a problem with the cheap commercial plug???  Bitch Witch says....too damn bad!

YES!  I am too lazy to look up a simple answer on my own.  I have a stupid and inane question for the 
Almighty Bitch Witch!!  Click here to send her your question...if you dare

Tis I who have come to challenge the seat of the Bitchwitch, i challenge you to a duel of bitchiness. Should you choose to accept, the terms and conditions will be mutually agreed upon at some further date according to MY calendar.. not yours. on and by the way dearie, please pull your head out of your own arse, it's not good for your posture :-P -The New Bitch In Town 

Dear Newbie,
Hee hee hee. Get your own website, ya loser!

now dont knock this its a really important question, 
my mother in law is one hell of a poisonous dwarf !!!! tell me how to 
reduce her to a shrivveling bag of puss , so that she will go away and stop coming 
round my house 
thankyou expert bitch highness , await negative and nasty response 

There are two ways to handle this. One, get into her head, find out what her weaknesses are and slap her in the face with them, or two, get a divorce and marry someone who's parents are dead. Let me know how that turns out for ya.


You've been practicing for 7 years and you don't even know what the holy days are? Stop practicing and just give it up.  You are a freaking idiot. Gramma probably died of shame. And on top of it all, you bred??? HEY YOU, OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!! 'Nuff said.

7-8-02 (Yes. These posts are not in any particular order.  Got a problem with that?  Too bad.)
Subject: A Most Unworthy Query

Your Most High, Holy, and Supremely Lovely Bitchiness, How do you deal with all the teenyboppers out there who have gleaned the majority of their knowledge of Wicca from Hollywood? I tried to explain nicely that they're attempting to follow a fantasy version of witchcraft, and no, we really can't stop time like Piper Halliwell. I was then informed on more than one occasion that I was just "pretending to be a Wiccan". So then I tried the bitch route of laughing mockingly and telling them to stick to playing D&D. That worked except for one girl insisting that she's "gonna curse me good"(sure...I'm shaking in my boots, honey...)and another bursting in tears which made me feel a bit guilty. I think I may be too nice to follow the route of the True Bitch, unfortunately. Is there any way to handle this tactfully and with as little melodrama as possible or am I stuck?
Thank you for granting the gift of your valuble time to one as lowly and unworthy as I. All the mighty
Queen Bitch!
Brightest blessings!
Member of LEFC & AWWTBMBA OBLA; "In Bob we trust." GSWU; "It's not easy being green."
CBDM; "Our Lady of organization." TJFC; "Hey, it beats the Promise Keepers..."
MAS; "Because we just can't stop complimenting each other."

Dear Arhianna,
Do you know Questina the Water Elf? Never mind, not important. You have come to the worst place on the web if you are looking for tactful, low key responses. I think you are doing just fine, except for the whole guilt trip. Just let them all board the bus to Wiccawood and get the hell out of town. Besides, I've heard that bathing in the tears of the terminally stupid keeps your skin fresh and young!

Well I'm not going to give ya too many places to go with this one though I'm sure you will I just want to ask if these questions are for real or not? I mean can people really be so dumb? If so I give you credit for being able to laugh such people off.

Dear Amused:
::::sigh:::  Indeed, as hard as it may be to believe, each and everyone of these posts were real emails sent to us.  Do you really think we could make this crap up?

Hail to Thee O' Omnipotent BitchWitch; (in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of the stupid):

There once was a Bitch of the Witches.
Whose column left people in stitches.
So hard did I laugh,
I fell off my path,
Do I worship skyclad or wear britches?

(Help, I've forgotten and I can't get up!)

Congrats WitchLad!

You had the whole office in stitches,
With your poem to the Bitch of the Witches.
Your address do send
For a prize won, my friend.
And soon we will send you your riches.

Your Majesty!
I have been reading your previous "mail" and find most of it appalling!  Now I finally see why people laugh and point fingers (often the middle) at those of us who admit to being Witches.  Those people are out there claiming to be the same!  For Goddess' Sake.  Just shoot me, now!!!  What a bunch of total ignoramuses-yeah, yeah, it's probably spelled wrong, but it's also not a real word, so bite ME.
I am certain I am no match for you (sucking up,now,so please listen closely!), but Lord and Lady know, I strive daily, to follow your exalted example, and am known as the official Office Bitch!  I'm a nurse, and if there's caterwalling kids in the waiting room, I'll go out to shut them down, if there's a senile ooolllddd person calling every 15 minutes with the same blessed question-they give the next call to me, and I handle ALL the pre-certs and pre-auths with those imbecilic insurance companies because I won't give up and let them slide off the hook, I make them do their OWN work-they get paid a lot more than I'll ever get!!!  As for the docs, they don't mess with me anymore.  But they DO know that if a task is given to the Office Bitch, it gets DONE, and DONE RIGHT, even if parts of it are delegated-I'm also a Bitch Assistant Head Nurse, as a supervisor, I won't listen to whiners,cry babies, or adult temper tantrums from those with god-complexes...they learn quickly that they don't measure up to god-status, and I'm in touch with REAL GODS/ESSES on a daily basis.
So, for what it's worth, that's what I think of your "supplicants", and that's who I am in terms of bitchiness...go ahead and answer, if you damn well please...but know this - I shall strive to live up to your example!!! (more sucking up, in case you fell asleep, didn't want you to miss any!)

Blessed Be, Sister Bitch!
Sorcha Ariehn

Helloooo Nurse,
I'm impressed. I was unaware it was possible to get insurance companies to do anything much less there jobs. Do you use thumb screws or threaten them with 10 gauge needles? Upon seeing your prowess I must empower you with the "Charge of the Nurse Bitch"

Blessed be thy enema that thou might irritate the assholes
Blessed be thy syringe that they may be frightened into submission
Blessed be thy bedpan that thou might deal with all their shit
Blessed be thy tongue depressor that thou might silence the stupidity
Blessed be thy phone that thou might continue to tell off the morons

PS: Stop trying to suckup. You're terrible at it.

Hail to her most lovely and exalted bitchiness.

I have been a devotee of Wicca for many years. And like you I am a natural bitch.
I don't use books as I see them as cheating. Any moron who must follow what others
say to tap into their powers is retarded. What I want to know is how do iI help others
realize what they should already know?

-Naturally Intelligent.
P.S. Unlike others, I don't require spellcheck.

Dear Smarty-pants,
First of all, no one is like me, sweet-cheeks, so just accept it and find a new dream to follow, m'kay?... And since when is using a book "cheating" at Wicca? You mean you don't know about Uncle Gerald and the origins of Wicca? I guess none of that really matters though, since it comes from a book. Come to think of it, everything in Wicca pretty much comes from a book, since it was created in the last 50 years... but all of those folks must be morons, too, right? Gee, we're all mightily impressed by your dazzling fount of knowledge about Wicca.
Thanks so much for enlightening us!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go deal with more morons.

P.S.: For some serious book-learning on Wicca, read Deepening Witchcraft  by Grey Cat,
(an old school bitchwitch).  Signed copies are on sale at The Blessed Bee. Tell 'em BW sent ya.

5-3-02 3
dear your most highly esteemed and nastiest bitchiness
i was wondering, can i put you on my buddy list. you are my idol when it
comes to being a bitch. i hope that one day ill be as good a nasty bitch
as you are. from your biggest ass kissing fan. but that hope is just that
hope. no one will ever be a bigger bitch than you.

Dear Suck-up,

You seem to be a bit delusional today - you seem to think I care about
insignificant little ass-kissers such as yourself. Well, Mamma BW is here to
wipe your illusions away, child... Now, come over here and lay down across
that pile of shit you just laid at my feet so I can step on you.

P.S.:  Have you heard about capitalization?  It's quite trendy.


Subject: An epistle of love from two adoring acolytes to the BITCHWITCH

Oh, Most High and Holy BitchWitch! She who is a Ray of Light (indeed, the Goddess' Mag-Lite!) into the Abysmal Pit which is the daily existence for all her enlightened followers! It is here that we, two lowly disciples in the barren cultural wasteland known as "Indiana", do offer praise and thanksgiving to Thee. Oh, Most Sublime One, we bow before you, heads low and fingers extended (taking care not to snag the carpet), and offer ourselves with complete humility so that we may also ascend to the exalted mountain upon which you dwell.
Thank you, thank you, from-the-bottoms-of-our-souls-we THANK YOU for bringing sarcasm and
rapier wit back to the pagan community, and even daring to do so in this most unfathomable age of the great evil known as "Political Correctness"!

...or in simpler, less flowery terms: WOO-HOO! WHAT A GREAT COLUMN! KEEP IT UP! :)

With Most Faithful Devotion,
Djenn Fyregryphon and Saoirse

Note to all would be brown-nosing suckups:

You have been outdone, overcome, overpowered, beat down, crushed and vanquished by these two unbelievably eloquent devotees of bitchiness. While I'm out getting a t-shirt made with "Goddess' Mag-Lite" on it (extra large so I can fit my ego in it), please go practice your ass kissing abilities on your local pagan clergy. In my not so humble opinion, they truly deserve it for all they do for the community they serve. Go to them with a humble heart and willing hands. Take out the garbage, do the dishes, cut the grass. Use your abilities to help in any way you can. Only then can you proudly join the ranks with those of us who make it our sacred duty to ridicule and educate the ignorant and the fainéant. Earn your place with us and be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.

ps- Anyone who objects to my use of this column to climb on my soapbox and deliver my rant of the day can bite me!

Most honored BitchWitch,
Your letter's of response have been most informative and have touched the core of my own bitchiness. I hope to one day achieve the status that you have. My question is; why, when someone finds out that I am a witch, there first question must always be, DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN!!? Have we not pressed our case often enough that the most thickheaded members of society would get it? Or is it life's eternal quest to piss me off?
-Your adoring disciple

Dear Disciple,
Please, stop sucking up! You are making me ill. As for the whole satan worshipping thing, try not to be TOO annoyed. After all, this is an opportunity for you to do one of two things (depending on the attitude of the query). Educate or Annihilate. The only thing more satisfying than gently correcting a misconception in a way that opens someone's mind to new perceptions is being handed the opportunity to shred some closed minded moron into little bits with your rapier wit.

Hail, Divine and Mighty BitchWitch!
I have no questions which are of great enough import to bring to you, for I am but a lowly aspiring bitch, and my thoughts and complaints must be of great insignificance to one of your might. I just wished to show my reverence for your amazing bitchiness.
--Aspiring Bitch

Dear Aspiring,
My, aren't you a gem! You have the proper attitude to go far in this world-now get out there and make a telemarketer cry, correct bad grammar, and correct the spelling of anyone who dares to deny your inalienable right to be a bitch!

Bright Blessings and salutations Oh most Bitchy of us all!!

           I too have often have been referred to as "tactfully challenged" and unlike most do not see the need to change. would you give me some advice as to handle the more stupid people I deal with every day so as not to end up in an altercation every time I open my mouth, With a black belt in karate it isn't much of a challenge to deal with the minions of stupid....but the fighting is so goddessawfull undignified...
Thy adoring supplicant,

My Dear Terry,

I find your manners impeccable and your spelling a refreshing change from the usual dunderheads that write.

I understand what you are going through. The best advise I can give you is to encourage these stupid people in their endeavors. Truth be told, we are terribly outnumbered. There are so many laws out there to protect stupid people and face it, danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people from the planet.  Such safety, however well-intentioned it may be, is devolving us into half-witted mutants.  Idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightfully early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles. Let's do away with safety and improve our species. So encourage them to jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Play chicken with a train. Throw bricks straight up. Shove that fork right in the toaster. Stick something small in their ear. Encourage them to take their choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.

PS-Did you hear about the guy back in '97 who was crushed to death by a Coke machine when he tried to tip it forward to get a free drink? One down, 5.6 billion to go!

I want a boy that I really like to fall in love with me. How do I?
( I'm 19 and need your help)

Dear Girlchild,
Men are much like puppies, if you rub their bellies and feed them regularly you will find that they can be quite devoted-that is, until they find someone else who feeds them better. On second thought, just go get a dog. At least you don't get in as much trouble when you chain them up in the back yard.

Dear bitch witch, you seem like a bitch, so far we r even...
I am for real, not many people will mess with me( not a threat )
I wana know three things:
1. y don't you answer people propaly ( they might have a real problem u know )?
2. do u know haow i can over come my fear's of spirits?
3. are you a real witch?
Blessed be*
Just another BITCH*

Dear Bitch Wannabe,
Anyone expecting answers to very real problems from the laugh section of a website is a freaking idiot. Now quit whining and learn how to spell before some spirit seeps through your bedroom wall one night and drags your uneducated screaming ass into the black void of unending torture and pain.

To Your Most Majestic Nasty Witchy Little Bitchy type Queen Person:

Is this a good time to ask if I really do spells sky-clad in the town park I will have all my prayers answered and Mr. Right will appear before me????????

Dear Nobody Wants To See Me Naked,
Although I find this notion highly entertaining(and am idly compiling a list of acquaintances who would just LOVE to attend this ritual), the Ever Practical Bitch Witch could never advocate publicly breaking the law. However, should you decide to go through with it, you can be sure that someone will appear before you. How do you feel about men in uniform?

In my family we have been known for powers like :reading peoples life ,taking the fire out if your burnt,stoping a persons bleeding. yeah i know crazy ,but real (no joke) somhow it stoped getting passed on and the ritual was forgotten all the words I need help do you know where i might find anything like the words or ritual? anything would help

Dear Delusional,
Perhaps the Goddess, in Her infinate wisdom, decided that giving any powers to an uneducated boob like you would be like handing a cattle prod to a three year old. Let me hand down an ancient secret that will help you on your path. It's just two words but you had better write it down. Are you ready? Here it comes.....SPELL CHECK!

I've got some new stones and a few incenses, what are some of the trasditional uses of
each..they are the following:
 stones:   jasper  tigers eye  blood stone  amethyst  clear quartz  hematite
 essential oils:   china rain  frankincense  woodland mist  jasmine  sandlewood

 i know of some spells and such but i mean uses like power, strength,
courage...ect, ect.  some of these i kow of they're uses but only  a little of each.
 blessed be

 Dear Ass Wipe:
I suspect that somebody else wrote this for you -- it is so nice to have
educated friends -- for if you were able to read and write you would be able
to benefit by purchasing some books on these topics.
Live on in Darkness,

Hey BitchWitch,
what are the three different types of soul mates? I heard there are 3 instead of just one.
-wanna know about them

Dear Wanna,
~Sigh~ Another lonely desperate person in search of a soul mate to torture with your childhood tragedies and unresolved issues. Before you inflict yourself on anyone else, you could try typing "soul mates" into any major search engine and read the drivel millions of others have spewed on this subject.

can you send me a spell for a real flying broom/ if you dont yer a fake


I dont wanna whine but... why won't anyone give me a love spell over the internet. I mean, like, a
Priestess is not supposed to refuse my request in a chat room for a spell, is she???
-Need Love Spell

Dear Needy,
I have the perfect love spell just for you. A bar of soap and a ball-gag.  Perhaps if you'd shut your cake-hole and stop whining for 30 seconds, someone MIGHT answer you...but I doubt it.

Your Wonderful and High Bitchiness;
How can I find a teacher.
-lost and wandering

Dear Lost,
 At last, someone who knows how to address me. With your brown nosing qualities you should stumble upon many HPS's who will just love you to death(as long as you obey their every whim). Funny, you didn't ask where you could find a GOOD teacher.
Oh, well. You get what you pay for.


I have better things to do than fulfilling your needs.... like regrouting my bathtub. Try reading a book or two, you lazyass.

Hello. I'm lloking for Fir a Magickal ring, something that gives Powers.
Where can I get it?
I'll apprecuate your help, till then

I happen to have an extra, just send me all your money and I'll drop it in the mail to ya, brighteyes.

We know you're wondering, so we'll give you an honest answer.  Yes.  Every single one of these are REAL emails sent to The Blessed Bee.  Really.  However we do occasionally change the names to protect the moronic.

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this page last updated 11-13-03